Archive for Garbage

Tiny Furniture

Directed by:  Lena Dunham

Written by:  Lena Dunham

Produced by:  Kyle Martin, Alicia Van Couvering

Starring:  Lena Dunham, Laurie Simmons, Grace Dunham

Run Time:  98 minutes

“Aura just wants someone to tell her who she is(taken from the films summary).”  Lucky for Aura, she’s surrounded by witty hipsters and sassy women to help her on her journey of self enlightenment.  Tiny Furniture is about a young entitled girl, who basically the personality of a rock and her struggle through life even though she really doesn’t have any problems.  Tiny Furniture offers nothing original, is badly written and is basically made for those people who like to think they’re intelligent but in reality are complete dullards.

The story behind Tiny Furniture is horrendous.  In fact, it’s so bad that even the description of film on its very own website makes the film look horrible.  It’s one thing to have a bad review but when the filmmakers, producers, directors and actors can’t even explain the story in a way that would be interesting or motivating, there’s a big problem.  To prove my point, I’m going break down a piece of the story using the filmmakers very own words.  (See the complete story plot here: )

“22-year-old Aura returns home to her artist mother’s TriBeCa loft with the following: a useless film theory degree, 357 hits on her Youtube page, a boyfriend who’s left her to find himself at Burning Man, a dying hamster, and her tail between her legs.”

That sounds great doesn’t it?  No, it sounds lame and the worst part about it is that it’s not even an honest description of the movie. What the summary neglects to tell a potential film viewer is that she has 357 views on here Youtube because her videos are horrible.  It also states that her boyfriend left her to go find himself at Burning Man which is in Nevada but we find out he moved to Colorado ruining that explanation.  It also mentions the non-event of her hamster dying like it was somehow important to the story when the reality was the characters didn’t seem to care whatsoever.  That’s just the first sentence of the description; do I really need to break down the entire summary of this garbage film?  None of it makes any sense and it seems as if it’s just written to make people think that there is something to the story and characters when the sad truth is that none of it is worth caring about and makes little if any sense.

Every character in Tiny Furniture is completely enraging; to the point where I could only dream that the movie would end in a fiery car crash where Aura is having that near death flashback about her life.  The characters aren’t believable and if they are based on real life people, it’s more of a sad statement about the pettiness and stupidity of humanity in general.  I’ve never seen a movie with so many horrible characters and to put that in perspective, I watch plenty of late night B-Movies.  I’ve have had more of an emotional response watching the acting/characters on TNA Wrestling, who sadly have more depth, are more realistic and much more interesting than the characters in Tiny Furniture.

Most of the dialog in the film is completely the same from character to character showing a lack of creative writing ability and also that the actors lack personality since some actors actually improvise to make their characters sound more natural.  Of course the lack of creativity with the dialog is masked by their placebo intellectualism as the characters speak with each other only to have what they say fall apart under any scrutiny becoming completely moronic.  Does anyone really think talking about anime porn is interesting or listening to emotional entitled girl complain about how difficult her life is would make interesting dialog?

There is a silver lining to Tiny Furniture:  Even though the story, actors, dialog and characters are as bad as they come, the film was made with cheap equipment that would be easy for an aspiring filmmaker to purchase.  The fact that anyone can get a camera and can make a good quality movie speaks for the advancement in film technology more so than it does for the filmmaker.  Tiny Furniture should be an inspiration to up and coming artists that they too can make a film with little money and one would hope that people who do follow Dunham’s lead and make movies that are actually worth watching.

Tiny Furniture fails on almost every level and there’s no reason anyone should take the time to watch it. This movie is so bad that I feel it’s safe to tell you that if the film resonates with you at all, you should seriously consider buying a shotgun to shoot yourself in the head.  Anyone who likes this film is a total pretentious asshole.  If you like this film, I whole heartedly want you to kill yourself and spare the world having to deal with your oversensitive entitled hipster nonsense. There really is no point to the film, the story is pure rubbish and the idea that anyone would care about a girl who really doesn’t have any problems slowly breaking down for no reason at all is insanely stupid.  The only people who could possibly like this movie are those fake intellectuals who are more concerned about looking smart then actually being smart.  I hate Aura, I hate her friends, I hate her journey and most of all, I hate this movie.  There’s absolutely nothing moving or original about Tiny Furniture.

[Rating: 1 out of 10]

Brooklyn's Finest

Brooklyn's Finest

Directed by: Antoine Fuqua

Written by: Michael C. Martin

Produced by: Elie Cohn, Basil Iwanyk, John Langley, Avi Lerner, John Thompson

Starring: Richard Gere. Don Cheadle, Ethan Hawke, Wesley Snipes

Run Time: 132 Min

The best way to accurately describe Brooklyn’s Finest is every bad cop movie rolled into one film, with all of the personality, intrigue, comedy and likable characters sucked out of it. Brooklyn’s Finest offers nothing but stereotypical characters, bad dialog and a story that’s so predictable that the ending wouldn’t catch a 5 year old off guard. Now some people would describe this story as a tragedy but in all of those memorable stories and plays there’re actually characters that the viewers like. When you make a movie it’s important to remember that in every story you need to have a protagonist that the audience can identify with but that basic fact was forgotten by the writer Michael C. Martin. You’d think that since this really is a story about 3 police officers, that at least one aspect of the story characters would be interesting but Brooklyn’s Finest strikes out each time.

The story starts out with Sal, the bad cop, talking to a man who explains the “righter and wronger” reasons why people do the bad things (which may be the plot of the whole movie). The writer of this movie would like you to believe that Sal is a good guy who’s in a bad position in order to justify his actions but that doesn’t really stick. The problem with Sal is that he’s just a dumbed down version of an interesting character. His whole story revolves around his poor family that lives in a house with wood mold in the walls which endangers their health. Sal already has 2 children and has twins on the way because he isn’t smart enough to use birth control when he already can’t support the kids he has. Since a police officer can’t make money by taking side jobs or working overtime; the only solution to Sal’s problems is for him to rob drug dealers and to buy a new house with the fruits of his labor.

Things to look for in Sal’s story:

His confessional, he talks to a priest about how he needs help from god.

The lamest poker game scene in a movie ever made.

Next we’re introduced to Tango, the undercover cop who’s in way over his head. Tango is the closest we have to a likeable character but he still falls short in that department. After a short stay in prison, where he gains street cred, Tango’s back on the street tasked with infiltrating the cities inner city gangs posing as a drug trafficker. The stress of working undercover starts to effect his view of the world and his job to the point where he’s worried he’ll become a criminal himself. His boss gives him a deal where he can get off the street but he has to get evidence about a man who saved his life while he was in prison, leaving him struggling between loyalty and his desire to leave the undercover life behind.

Things to look for in Tango’s Story:

He’s in too deep maaaannnnnn.

The shady FBI woman.

His friend dies as a result of their drug dealing.

His supervisor gives him a “This is what you wanted” speech.

As if two lackluster characters weren’t enough, enter Eddie, the 22 year police veteran who’s about to retire in 7 days. Eddie is quite possibly the most useless and uninteresting cop character ever created. His own boss tells him that he’s basically a failure and Eddie only proves that to the viewer throughout the whole movie. In his first scene, Eddie wakes up and puts his revolver in his mouth but the gun doesn’t go off as he slowly pulls the trigger back(later we learn that he doesn’t keep his gun loaded). How lame is that? Why would anyone care about a boring, unmotivated depressed police officer who isn’t even man enough to shoot himself? It’s pathetic. You might be thinking to yourself that since he’s suicidal, he’s going to end up proving himself in some blaze of glory that will make up for having to watch him for 2 hours but, even in his shining moment at the climax of the movie he proves himself to be quite frankly, worthless and unexciting. Maybe the audience is supposed to be moved by his staring into space and walking away from conflict. Eddie is one character whose role would be better left in a garbage can next to the writer’s desk.

Things to look for in Eddie’s story:

The stupid look on his face which makes him look like he’s constantly in deep thought but we all know he’s completely useless.

He’s assigned to teach a rookie cop the basics of the job but the rookie course messes something important up like all rookies do.

His only love is from a hooker who doesn’t even want him.

He can’t even kill himself.

The presentation of this whole movie is horrifically bad. Throughout the entire movie there’s always some dramatic music playing which is meant to emphasize the internal conflict that the characters are supposed to have. If you can get past the music, you’ll have to deal with the story itself which is full of holes and defies logic. Even if by some strange miracle you can stand the story, the characters come to your aid and quickly ruin anything that’s likeable left in the movie. Just for a bit of overkill, if you try look past all of the flaws with the music, the main characters and the bad story the writer has an ace up his sleeve: all the supporting actors who are all rip offs of characters in better movies.

Brooklyn’s Finest is the worst cop movie I’ve ever seen. There’s absolutely nothing original or interesting about the characters and while the writers should be sued for plagiarizing every aspect of the story from better movies, they even manage to ruin the stereotypes we’ve grown to love over the years. Even the ending to the movie was disappointing. Why this movie is getting a 7.4 rating with 3353 votes on IMDB mystifies me. We all know how the movie ends, all the characters end up in the same place at the same time. If you want to watch a cop movie you’d be safer going on Netflix and renting Lethal Weapon, where the suicidal cop does something exciting, or Dirty Harry instead of a two hour long bore fest like Brooklyn’s Finest.




Directed by: Amber Sealey

Written by: Amber Sealey

Produced by: Amber Sealey, Gabriel Fleming

Starring: Amber Sealey, Anton Saunders

Run Time: 82 min

There are a lot of artsy people out there who believe that because a movie is independent, it’s automatically art and better than some drivel you’d see in a normal theater or on T.V. Then there’s some people who know that no you much you polish a brown nugget into a gold one. A+D is the epitome of rubbish filled with emotional nonsense that left me literally drinking a gallon of water so I had an excuse to step out and use the restroom every few minutes.

A+D is a self described “universal story of relationships” but it’s not. A+D is a movie about a mentally unstable woman who thinks nagging is witty and how miserable a man would become who’s stupid enough not to notice the telltale warning signs that she’s totally insane. Was there romance in the story? No, there was artsy romance which only appeals to lonely old women. Was there conflict in the story? Yes a lot of it but it was all passive aggressive emotional nonsense that just makes you want to hit someone with a baseball bat. A more accurate description of the story should be: “An in depth look at why men don’t want to talk, listen or respect the female gender.”

Alice, played by Amber Sealey, is a witty artist who finds love in a passive aggressive man named Dave, played by Anton Saunders. Their relationship is strange as Dave mysteriously finds Alice’s complaints about his eyebrows and her statements saying that his work isn’t art witty and attractive instead of a huge red flag. They spend their days making love and repeating the same words to each other as they look at each other’s naked bodies in the mirror of the bathroom in the flat.

It doesn’t take long for Alice and Dave’s blossoming relationship to sour. Alice begins to ask questions that she obviously doesn’t want the answer to (“Do you think about having sex with other women?”) and when she gets them she’s obviously bothered and begins to pick at Dave’s fragile ego. Alice constantly hounds Dave into doing things he doesn’t want to and gets upset when he doesn’t go along with her ideas. Not all of the problems with the relationship are Alice’s fault though, most of the problems could have been prevented if the Dave had an ounce of will power and self pride but if that was the case the movie would have only been 20 minutes long as he would have booted her out of the flat. Instead of standing up to Alice, Dave spends his time getting frustrated with their relationship and using his almost super human powers of passive aggression to deal with the situation.

The setting of the movie is a London flat that the characters both live in. The flat itself is run down and has paint and plaster pieces falling off the wall which is an important feature for any independent love story. The flat is too small which gives the entire movie a cramped feeling and ensures that the main characters can’t escape each other no matter how much they want to. The entire flat is used in the production of the “film” including emotional scenes in the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and even the living room. This setting stinks; can’t the characters at least go out once in their relationship so the viewer isn’t stuck watching the characters mindlessly complain in the house for most of the movie?

Amber Sealey and Anton Saunders played their roles extremely well and after seeing this movie I don’t think I could picture them as anything other than their characters. During the entire movie I didn’t question how genuine either character was which was quite an amazing feat. Both Amber and Anton could indeed have a successful career as actors. The problem with being convincing was that they played characters that I didn’t care about and was extremely disgusted by that there was no way that I could enjoy the quality of their performance.

As I think back, I’m still at a loss to what A+D was actually about. I’d like to say that it’s a social commentary about how men and women secretly hate each other but I know that isn’t the greater meaning behind the film. The movie could be about the differences between male and female communication and the way it affects relationships but I doubt that’s it either. Maybe it’s just a sadistic creation meant to cause the viewer of the movie pain. Well whatever the movie is about it is imperative that the viewer must enjoy being tortured by the emotional drivel that most people wouldn’t put up with in real life.

A+D is like watching a slow motion train wreck and not in a good way. This is a train wreck where the passengers know it’s going to happen an hour and fifteen minutes before the crash. In a desperate attempt to stop the train the conductor tries to hit the brakes but for some reason they don’t work and just make an annoying high pitched squealing noise as the train passive aggressively makes is way down the tracks. Once the train finally hits the little pink artsy Vespa that’s been carelessly left on the tracks it gracefully nudges it, leaving a small dent over the flower decals before it stops. Even the train wreck was a failure. There is nothing redeeming about the story and writing of this movie. The actors portrayed their characters well but it could never make up for the utter rubbish that is presented in the story as the acting is completely overshadowed by the sheer disgust that I had for the characters. The only thing that saved me from slitting my wrists during the movie was that I had other things I could do while it played.