Archive for Romance

My Missed Connection…(flagged on craigslist)

Homely woman on the bus – 30

I see you on the bus all the time. You remind me of a homely woman who should be baking pie or watching a hockey game. I’m not sure why, but I think I love you even though you’re much older than I am. When I see your chubby face it completely enrages me and I fantasize about what it would be like to come home from a hard day of work and to smack you. You just look so punchable and it fills me with that warm feeling that a man has for a woman after years of marriage. I think we’re meant to be, your face, my fist and of course those muffins that I know you make. It takes most relationships years to develop to the level that we’ve already achieved by just looking at each other and I can tell by how much I want to mush your cartoon like face that we are indeed soul mates. If you’re reading this, send me a message my love….

A+D

A+D=Garbage

Directed by: Amber Sealey

Written by: Amber Sealey

Produced by: Amber Sealey, Gabriel Fleming

Starring: Amber Sealey, Anton Saunders

Run Time: 82 min

There are a lot of artsy people out there who believe that because a movie is independent, it’s automatically art and better than some drivel you’d see in a normal theater or on T.V. Then there’s some people who know that no you much you polish a brown nugget into a gold one. A+D is the epitome of rubbish filled with emotional nonsense that left me literally drinking a gallon of water so I had an excuse to step out and use the restroom every few minutes.

A+D is a self described “universal story of relationships” but it’s not. A+D is a movie about a mentally unstable woman who thinks nagging is witty and how miserable a man would become who’s stupid enough not to notice the telltale warning signs that she’s totally insane. Was there romance in the story? No, there was artsy romance which only appeals to lonely old women. Was there conflict in the story? Yes a lot of it but it was all passive aggressive emotional nonsense that just makes you want to hit someone with a baseball bat. A more accurate description of the story should be: “An in depth look at why men don’t want to talk, listen or respect the female gender.”

Alice, played by Amber Sealey, is a witty artist who finds love in a passive aggressive man named Dave, played by Anton Saunders. Their relationship is strange as Dave mysteriously finds Alice’s complaints about his eyebrows and her statements saying that his work isn’t art witty and attractive instead of a huge red flag. They spend their days making love and repeating the same words to each other as they look at each other’s naked bodies in the mirror of the bathroom in the flat.

It doesn’t take long for Alice and Dave’s blossoming relationship to sour. Alice begins to ask questions that she obviously doesn’t want the answer to (“Do you think about having sex with other women?”) and when she gets them she’s obviously bothered and begins to pick at Dave’s fragile ego. Alice constantly hounds Dave into doing things he doesn’t want to and gets upset when he doesn’t go along with her ideas. Not all of the problems with the relationship are Alice’s fault though, most of the problems could have been prevented if the Dave had an ounce of will power and self pride but if that was the case the movie would have only been 20 minutes long as he would have booted her out of the flat. Instead of standing up to Alice, Dave spends his time getting frustrated with their relationship and using his almost super human powers of passive aggression to deal with the situation.

The setting of the movie is a London flat that the characters both live in. The flat itself is run down and has paint and plaster pieces falling off the wall which is an important feature for any independent love story. The flat is too small which gives the entire movie a cramped feeling and ensures that the main characters can’t escape each other no matter how much they want to. The entire flat is used in the production of the “film” including emotional scenes in the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and even the living room. This setting stinks; can’t the characters at least go out once in their relationship so the viewer isn’t stuck watching the characters mindlessly complain in the house for most of the movie?

Amber Sealey and Anton Saunders played their roles extremely well and after seeing this movie I don’t think I could picture them as anything other than their characters. During the entire movie I didn’t question how genuine either character was which was quite an amazing feat. Both Amber and Anton could indeed have a successful career as actors. The problem with being convincing was that they played characters that I didn’t care about and was extremely disgusted by that there was no way that I could enjoy the quality of their performance.

As I think back, I’m still at a loss to what A+D was actually about. I’d like to say that it’s a social commentary about how men and women secretly hate each other but I know that isn’t the greater meaning behind the film. The movie could be about the differences between male and female communication and the way it affects relationships but I doubt that’s it either. Maybe it’s just a sadistic creation meant to cause the viewer of the movie pain. Well whatever the movie is about it is imperative that the viewer must enjoy being tortured by the emotional drivel that most people wouldn’t put up with in real life.

A+D is like watching a slow motion train wreck and not in a good way. This is a train wreck where the passengers know it’s going to happen an hour and fifteen minutes before the crash. In a desperate attempt to stop the train the conductor tries to hit the brakes but for some reason they don’t work and just make an annoying high pitched squealing noise as the train passive aggressively makes is way down the tracks. Once the train finally hits the little pink artsy Vespa that’s been carelessly left on the tracks it gracefully nudges it, leaving a small dent over the flower decals before it stops. Even the train wreck was a failure. There is nothing redeeming about the story and writing of this movie. The actors portrayed their characters well but it could never make up for the utter rubbish that is presented in the story as the acting is completely overshadowed by the sheer disgust that I had for the characters. The only thing that saved me from slitting my wrists during the movie was that I had other things I could do while it played.

(0/5)

500 Days of Summer

500 Days of Summer

Directed by: Marc Webb

Written by: Scott Neustadter, Michael H. Weber

Produced by: Mason Novick, Jessica Tuchinsky, Mark Waters, Steven J. Wolfe

Starring: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zooey Deschanel

Run Time: 95 minutes

In the beginning of this movie the narrator says that “this isn’t a love story” and it’s not it’s a story about love. Technically, 500 Days of Summer is a romantic comedy but there’s absolutely nothing funny or original about the movie. What this movie does have is a lot of music by depressed women singers, the main characters staring at their phones after a fight as it rains outside, lame romantic gazes where the characters look into each other’s eyes and say loving things to each other.

The movie follows an emo boy, Tom Hansen, after a hard breakup with a girl as he has flash backs of his loving relationship. Tom works at a greeting card company making cards with fancy romantic slogans since he could fall in love with a pet rock if he was left alone with it for long enough. Tom is the epitome of a pathetic love sick young man who has his widdle heart broken unexpectedly by a cute girl. To put it shortly, Tom is a douche with no redeeming qualities.

I don’t understand why anyone would want to watch this nonsense. It reminds me of those people who are in love with the idea of being in love and then get depressed when things don’t work out. I don’t like watching depressed oversensitive asses in real life, why would I like a movie about tender and romantic moments through the eyes of a depressed pussy(even his sister called him that)? This movie is utter garbage meant to pull on women’s and sissified men’s heart strings.

DO NOT watch this movie.

(0.5/5) The .5 is because the main characters sister is slutty.