Tag Archive for B-Movie

Twin Sitters

Twin Sitters

Directed by: John Paragon

Written by: John Paragon

Produced by: Yoram Pelman

Starring: Peter Paul, David Paul, Christian Cousins, Joseph Cousins, Rena Sofer

Run Time: 93 min

Some films, much like cheap beer, lose their luster over the years and become completely stale and bitter but on rare occasions some things get better with age. Fine wines for example can be aged for up to 50 years before their seal is cracked for only the wealthiest of people to enjoy. Twin Sitters, much like its expensive wine counterparts, has done nothing but ripen and age over the years leaving us with an artistic masterpiece. The Barbarian Brothers bring us a moving tale of environmental justice, family and love that we can all afford in Twin Sitters.

David and Peter Falcone, played by Peter Paul and David Paul, are two regular muscle bound guys with dreams of opening their own restaurant. Their dreams are harshly squashed by a lowly banker who refuses to give them a small business loan leaving them depressed while they pass their days at a local playground feeding the growing homeless population of Los Angeles’ as they struggle to make a future for themselves. Luckily it doesn’t take too long before their good deeds are recognized and the two brothers are hired to protect the children of a powerful EPA whistleblower after they heroically save him from a murderous gang of thugs.

Alright, so maybe this isn’t the best movie ever made but what exactly do you expect from a kids movie from the 80’s? Needless to say, the acting isn’t very good, the story is extremely simple and the writing is horrible but that’s all for the best. Twin Sitters comes from a time where kids movies were fun to watch and you didn’t have to worry about what’s politically correct. You can’t go wrong with steroid jokes, monster trucks, torturing kids with pasta and some of the worst outfits in the history of film.

I look for a lot of things when I watch movies but the most important part of any movie is that I enjoy watching it. If a movie expresses some heartfelt story that touches the watcher or if the movie reveals some of the deeper truths that we’re all looking to explore it’s safe to say that the movie is good. I would have loved this movie when I was a kid and I love it now. Twin Sitters isn’t a movie with a heartfelt story or one seeking the truth to one’s own existence; it’s about having fun and that makes it a masterpiece in my eyes. Now I know there are always those naysayers who wouldn’t enjoy this movie but since this is my movie site those naysayers can go screw and watch a movie like When in Rome to fulfill their sissy desires.

(4.5/5)

Universal Soldier: Regeneration

Universal Soldier:  Regeneration
Directed by: John Hyams

Written by: Victor Ostrovsky

Produced by: Craig Baumgarten, Moshe Diamant, Peter Hyams

Starring: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, Andrei Arlovski

Run Time: 97 min

Jean-Claude Van Damme is back in the latest instilment of the Universal Soldier series and is…. well the same he always was except older. Who could resist a straight to dvd movie starring not only Van Damme but Dolph Lundgren and UFC’s Andrei Arlovski. This movie has all of those old great “actors” that I watched when I grew up and spent countless nights staying up all night eating bad fast food, drinking soda and watching bad movies.

The story takes place in modern day Russia where a separatist group has kidnapped the president’s son and daughter and is holding them for ransom at the famous nuclear reactor in Chernobyl. If that isn’t scary enough, the group has threatened to destroy what’s left of the reactor which would doom Russia to a nuclear holocaust. As a response the US military reactivates the secret Universal Soldier program in order to save Russia from the separatist group and nuclear disaster that would bring generations of mutated children with amazing math skills (well the mutants aren’t part of the movie but it should be).

Luc Deveraux, Van Damme, has been out of the Universal Soldier program for years and is in the process of being rehabilitated in order to be reintroduced back into society. Luc’s progress seemed to be going well even though he can’t remember what happened to him the day before, suffers from swollen knees and is confused most of the time. The army knows that Luc is the only man for the job, after their first plan fails, and his rehabilitation is stopped so he can save the world.

All famous heroes need an insurmountable super villain which is where the NGU, played by Andrei Arlovski comes in. The NGU is the newest super soldier created by a mad scientist who dreams of taking over the world. The NGU is emotionless which makes it an easy role to play; all the Arlovski has to do is fight and walk around and look tough, which he does well.

I expected the action to be slightly better than it was and the main draw of the movie was seeing my favorite B-movie stars in action. You may have noticed that I didn’t mention Lundgren’s role and that wasn’t by accident; his role was pathetic and it seemed as if it was there just to get his name on the credits. In the end this movie wasn’t as bad as it could have been but it wasn’t very good either but that’s why the movie is straight to DVD. This movie is best to watch when you’re in the mood to relive staying up all night and watching movies on TBS when you were young.

(2.5/5)